I always imagined myself the color pink. The brightness and happiness it brings to a room and the almost childlike feeling it brings to most when they see it. I have spent my life believing as if I’ve lived in the meaning of the color pink and it’s been whats truly made me authentic and the person I am today. As Newfoundlanders, we already have that genuine, welcoming feeling when we enter a room, but I’ve always felt mine was even more powerful than that (obviously quite confident in myself). And I think at one moment in my life, it was that way, but somewhere in between having kids, moving, changing jobs and not feeling well, I lost that pink feeling on the inside and it slowly changed to a dark, gloomy grey without me evening knowing it.
And what’s truly sad is that for a long time- maybe even since I’ve had kids, I lived as what I now call a “pink fake”. I became so amazingly awesome at faking my old personality that I actually convinced myself and others that I still existed. I remember seeing little pieces of the “old Nancy” every now and then, but the little child within me that used to be fun, was no longer there. I didn’t want anyone to know how sick, stressed and tired I was, so I just decided to push through it all, hoping this too shall pass.
My wake call came at a very unusual time. I didn’t see it coming and definitely didn’t believe it to be true. At that moment in my life, I felt things were fabulous. I had just came back from sick leave (more to come on this later in my blog) and my attempt to prove myself in my career and family was at an all time high. I was living what I believed to be the super women dream and people were actually asking me how I did it all and stayed so happy and content! HA HA HA!
Then SPLAT…right in my face, my WAKE UP CALL. It was last August and I was about to host an amazing workshop that I’d put together (I used to be a Trainer for Sales Reps). I was excited, however, wasn’t feeling my best. But of course, I stuck my “I will blow this out of the water” hat on and in my eyes, rocked it. I walked out of there with enough confidence that there was no one that could take me down. That day I had an observer with me and her feedback was nothing but a kick in the face -“interesting presentation, but I’ve got to be honest, I’m having a hard time reading your energy.” Uh what? My energy? I remember saying uh huh…and interesting… which is what my mom taught me to say when I have nothing nice to say.
Here is what I wanted to say…..are you freaking kidding me? You cant read my energy? You are the first person to ever say that. My energy is happy and pink. I don’t know what your problem is, but my energy is quite clear.
So I attempted to deal with her comment all the way home by calling everyone I knew for reassurance, justifying myself and finally adding it to the pile in my backpack.
Those types of blows never really just go away. And of course, I had to spend more time with this lovely lady for career development purposes – wohoo! The more sessions I ended up having with her, the more I realized that she was right and now I am thankful for her daily.
When I look back now, I see that my backpack was so full that I’m not even sure how I functioned daily. My family was failing at home, I had become this cocky career women thinking she had it all together and most importantly, my health was at its all time low.
It was time to do something about it. So I decided find a coach and spend some time digging deeper. At the same time, my Mom decided she’d had enough with the Canadian health system and took me to the Mayo clinic in the US for a complete assessment and diagnoses as I kept getting “nothing was wrong” but many days I couldn’t get off the couch.
It was time to dig into the grey that I’d become and stop ignoring the fact that I was no longer pink anymore. Why were my kids crying the minute I walked in the door? Why was I feeling that I had to be the best over everyone else? Why did I need to have control of everything? Why was I always feeling so tired and sick? Why why why? Pretty soon it all made sense and when you read my next post, you will understand too.
Society has made us feel we need to do everything and do it well. No one talks about the struggles we face daily and I no longer want you to feel like you are alone. The more I talk about it with others, the more I see the crisis we are in and have to work together to find a way out.
So as you read this today….ponder these questions as you begin to unpack….
What color are you on the outside? Does it match the inside?
How do you think your backpack impacts your energy?
Have you had a wake up call lately that might have ignored?
Are you blaming everyone for everything?
Are you listening to what your inner voice is saying? Do you even know you have an inner voice?
Be aware of your energy over the next few days…watch how people respond to the changes in your mood and energy… especially your kids.
FACT: Would you be surprised to know that kids sense everything? My kids cried daily because they could sense my fatigue and stress. We saw multiple psychologists for our kids only to find out, it HAD NOTHING to do with them. As my energy shifted over the last few months, so has my entire family. So stop looking at others this week and take a good look at yourself…. you might shock yourself at what you see….or you might be totally content and if so, I hope you share what you’ve done so we can all help each other together.
One more thing… last night I met someone for the 1st time . Do you know what they said to me? You have such a calm energy. WOW? I guess my unpacking is working.
I am finally PINK again.
See you next time.