How I turned inside out…

My mom is brave, confident and and strong, and she taught us to be the same. She spent the first part of our early years instilling us with strong confident values in who we were and made us work hard to be the best that we could be. She always made us feel that we were beautiful inside and out and never wanted us to feel anything less.

When I look back, this was probably the most valuable teaching she could have ever given us – especially at such a young age and at such an extremely vulnerable time….however, somewhere along the way i think I lost sight of this teaching and turned it into something it was never meant to be – Perfectionism.

I meditate daily (for people who know me, they are probably shocked right now). I am working on my self compassion (as we all are) and when I do, I have to invision myself as a young girl and give her some words of wisdom….its funny, I always seem to see the same one…

I believe it was grade 9, she had a chubby face, she wasn’t skinny, and she had crazy frizzy hair that she couldn’t control (there were only IRON”s back then). When I think back to her, i wonder how anyone ever thought I was pretty, but people did (and I am thankful for those). However, its not what I looked like that I remember most, it was how amazing and brave this girl was on the inside. I remember she wouldn’t let anything bother her, she walked the halls with confidence and never let anything stand in her way.

I remember (like it was yesterday) I was called “fat head” from the back of the bus and trust me, it bothered me, but it also ended the moment I got off the bus. My parents didn’t even know because I didn’t seem to let it bother me. I felt like I had it all together and most importantly, I felt like my mom taught me that I could conquer anything.

To top it off, we moved around a lot. That doesn’t usually help the ego, however, I usually found a way to easily adapt to change and had the confidence to go in too any place at any time and own it. Even though I wasn’t the most beautiful girl (of course, at the time ONLY), I was powerful on the inside and knew I was a force to be reckoned with.

I never seemed to care about what others thought. I was very unique and truly brave and wanted to be who I was, without being scared. Sure I went to university with blond white short hair (with pink tips) – it WAS INTERESTING (not sharing that picture)….

And when I came out of university, I was driven to be successful. I conquered things I never imagined I would career wise and felt I was at an all time high…it was AMAZING

I always felt like I was amazing – not cocky – amazing. I felt I was on top of the world and could do anything. Now that I know what i know now, I actually believe I knew who I was. I was aligned both inside and out.

I miss that side of me sometimes. I always say to kids when they are entering university or going off to collage – take time to enjoy yourself…sleep in, miss class, just be….don’t push through just to get to whats next, for you might be missing out on the small moments. I know for me, it was probably the most present I ever was.

Life changes when you grow up..…responsibilities change…I remember I couldn’t wait to be grown up and when it came, it hit me more than I’d ever imagine.

I remember the day it changed. The day I brought my beautiful Lucy into this world…its like all of a sudden my insides turned outside….and I don’t think I realized it until now…

It’s like the hotness and confident I had on the inside, pushed outward. I felt more beauty than I’d ever felt before…I felt like one hot momma…I looked at myself differently, I was proud of who I’d become…but what I didn’t realize is that I was slowly losing myself on the inside and that all the stuff that I’d piled up was starting to fill my backpack without me even knowing…

I stopped believing in who I was…I questioned myself…I stopped trusting myself. I didn’t feel I was worthy of my own trust. I had lost my sense of being…of who I was or who I was supposed to be. The pink had withered away….

Maybe I never really found her? Maybe she was clouded under all the things I thought I was dealing with? I was lost.

Brene Brown says in her book “Daring Greatly” that you can’t actually love, until you love yourself…..and the more I read, meditate and focus on myself, the more I realize, she is so right.

OUr self talk is so powerful. It can take over your life. It can keep you from being the person you want to be or believe that you are.

When I look at myself today (almost a year after taking a break from my job), i realize that no one but my own “self talk” and lack of trust in myself took me out. I stopped believing the words my Mom taught us.

Those days are over. Through all my healing, I’ve come to realize one thing – I am beautiful inside and out…and the more that I believe that innately, the more I see why Brene Brown says you can’t love others until you love yourself. When you truly love yourself for who you are, the world looks brighter. You just feel different. I think you finally feel like you belong. I look at everyone different, I look at things different and most importantly, I look at myself differently..

I am me…and “I AM ENOUGH”..

I am here on this earth to help people and to make people happy….but first and foremost, I am here on this earth to be me…my authentic self….

So world, here I am….

And to celebrate this amazing milestone…I dyed my hair bright pink…and i mean BRIGHT pink….yes, my WHOLE head! Why? Because I am finally myself….and I want to share it with the world…

I wish you all a special Holiday Season. Enjoy every moment, every single moment and ponder this…

“Joy comes to us in moments – ordinary moments. We risk missing out on joy when we get too busy chasing down the extraordinary”

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Its not just you anymore…..

As I sit here, (currently a stay at home mom) and think about all that I’ve been through and how I’ve been healing…I wonder how we try and/or even attempt to do it all…..

The things like Be Present, give you some “you” time and most of what I’m telling you to do…makes me chuckle…because I don’t work and somedays, I can’t find time to fit it all in….

I remember when I did work, before the break of dawn, I had lunches ready, breakfast fed and kids ready for school. I’d be running out the door like the energizer bunny and all the way to work worried about the things I didn’t do…did I spent quality time with the kids? Did I ask them enough questions about school? Did I snuggle enough? Was I present? And the answer was always NO….

Then I get to work…focus on work and god for bid get a call that one of them is sick…..oh i remember how i felt….having to leave, the looks I’d get, the thoughts I’d have…oh the joys….

I always thought…well I’ll make up the time and be present after work..but that time never came. I’d come home, make supper while kids are screaming and begging for my attention. After supper, I’d be so tired that we’d sit around and either watch some kids show…or just play on IPADs…..something to distract until it was time to go to bed.

….and then bed….oh how wonderful to get to sit on the couch and relax like old times. Only now, that never lasted long because I was usually so tired that I ended up in bed at 8:30 (leaving no time for my husband and I) so I could be rested and ready to start all over again at 5am…..

Since when did parenting become like a job?.. When did we as parents start to think that just getting through the day was our goal. And why can’t we turn our brains off and be present???

Why? Because we are TRYING TO DO TOO MUCH. We are trying to take it all on and thinking that nothing will fail, but turns out we are failing on our families…and ourselves…

Since I’ve started to share, I had nothing but conversations and discussions surrounding all the pressure we put on ourselves to do it all and how its impacting our health and the people around us….”I’ve lost myself, Im sick all the time, I’m not the happy person i used to be”…

But of course, we still seem to be stuck…and not really wanting or trying to get out of the RUT we’ve put ourselves in….

We are we waiting for? Do we think we are invisible? Cause it turns out…and i learned the hard way, we are NOT..

So I’m going to give you the kick in the ass that I NEEDED a long time ago….and I want you to listen…especially if you have a family…

Here’s the BIGGEST reason why you should STOP RIGHT NOW and take a GOOD LOOK AT YOURSELF….I missed this opportunity and am now making up for it…don’t let yourself do the same…

Not only did I suffer tremendously….but I have two daughters that suffered because of what I did to myself. One I was able to recuperate within a few months (thank you lord) and the other still suffers today..clenching her jaw, bent up energy, challenged at school, closed off… and now we are working on ways to help her unpack her backpack…which is so much harder than attempting to unpack mine…trust me…

What kind of mother allows that to happen? How was I that mother? I never dreamed I’d be…but here I am…

The truth is…I did’t see what it was doing to my family..especially my kids. I was so focused on myself that I forgot to take a hard look at the people around me. I was caught up in being and doing it all, and even with people telling me, I ignored it.

And now that I know, I won’t let you go down that path either….

So this is my ah ha moment…and i hope its yours too..if you have kids, a partner, etc..and you are trying to do it all and starting to feel (or maybe not yet) its too much…then its time to take a good look at yourself…for this is NOT about you…but what it could do to those precious people around you, especially your children.

what happen to the days of the Cosby show? Full house? FAMILY TV SHOWS…TGIF??? The days where we sat at the supper table…no cell phones and just listened..or we played games…you know, the days when we were actually PRESENT…

Now we are so career focused, technology savvy and “get our kids into every activity that exist” that we’ve forgotten about what really matters. We no longer can send our children out to play with neighbours (at least not here in Ontario where you can’t leave your children alone for more than 2 seconds),we don’t even get to know our neighbours, and the most crazy thought? We think Facebook and texting are adequate ways to communicate…

Turns out…for those of you that don’t know….Facebook (not always, but sometimes) is just a place for you to visit to make you feel even less present in your own life, to judge yourself even more against others….and to feel like you are missing out on the amazing things others are doing while you are sitting home, trying to do it all.

YOu should also note that NOT everything you read or see on Facebook is a reality…trust me when I say, i have seen amazing family photo’s and lovely post of how much people love each other, only to find out two weeks later, it was a show…

I know, I know…Facebook is also a great way to see your friends and family grow up, but lets make something clear, this doesn’t and shouldn’t replace the old school mentality of getting together, laughing and using your village around you to raise your family.

WE have lost our connection to people….our families….our own lives…

We live day to day as routine as possible…almost like a ROBOT….and we think its ok…

The challenge is, that today you won’t see how much its impacting your kids and husband (or wives), but in five years, you will start to wonder why a new behaviour appears or you are getting divorced, or you aren’t happy…

And our 1st instinct? Blame them and everyone else around you…….because you know, its gotta be their fault……

So I hope this is the eye opener you need to take a good look at yourself and ask…am I doing too much for others and not enough for me?

If this isn’t enough to stop you in your tracks, maybe this will help…from someone that actually dedicates her life to pretty much just this….

I am reading this amazing Book for the second time from Brene Brown “The gifts of Imperfection”.

For those of you who don’t know, she is a shame and vulnerability researcher that had quite the eye opening experience herself, when she realized that her research became very personal and actually led her on her own spiritual awakening/breakdown.

Here are a few quotes from just the intro that really make you think….

“As I started analyzing the stories and looking for re-occuring themes, I realized that the patterns generally fell into one of the two columns; for simplicity sake, I first labeled these Do and Don’t. The Do column was brimming with works like worthiness, rest, play, trust, faith, intuition, hope, authenticity, love, belonging, joy, gratitude and creativity. The Don’t column was dripping with words like perfections, numbing, certainty, exhaustion, self sufficiency, being cool, fitting in, judgement, and scarity””

So ask yourself, what column do you fit in? Why?

And the biggest reason, I wrote this? Here is what Brene Brown goes on to say…

….”the most painful lesson of the day hit me so hard, that it took my breath away: it was clear from the data that we cannot give our children what we don’t have. Where we are on our journey of living and loving with our whole hearts is a much stronger indicator of parenting success than anything we can learn from how to books. This journey is equal parts heart work and head work, and as I sat there on that deary November day, it was clear to me that I was lacking in my own heart work”.

So today, I leave you with one last quote…from her 1st chapter…which has stuck with me since the moment I first read this book…

“No matter what gets done and how much is left undone, I AM ENOUGH….

So now, after reading this…does this change anything for you? Does it make you think just a little differently about your situation and trying to do it all….if it doesn’t, whats it going to take for your wake up call??

I’ll see you next time…