As I sit here, (currently a stay at home mom) and think about all that I’ve been through and how I’ve been healing…I wonder how we try and/or even attempt to do it all…..
The things like Be Present, give you some “you” time and most of what I’m telling you to do…makes me chuckle…because I don’t work and somedays, I can’t find time to fit it all in….
I remember when I did work, before the break of dawn, I had lunches ready, breakfast fed and kids ready for school. I’d be running out the door like the energizer bunny and all the way to work worried about the things I didn’t do…did I spent quality time with the kids? Did I ask them enough questions about school? Did I snuggle enough? Was I present? And the answer was always NO….
Then I get to work…focus on work and god for bid get a call that one of them is sick…..oh i remember how i felt….having to leave, the looks I’d get, the thoughts I’d have…oh the joys….
I always thought…well I’ll make up the time and be present after work..but that time never came. I’d come home, make supper while kids are screaming and begging for my attention. After supper, I’d be so tired that we’d sit around and either watch some kids show…or just play on IPADs…..something to distract until it was time to go to bed.
….and then bed….oh how wonderful to get to sit on the couch and relax like old times. Only now, that never lasted long because I was usually so tired that I ended up in bed at 8:30 (leaving no time for my husband and I) so I could be rested and ready to start all over again at 5am…..
Since when did parenting become like a job?.. When did we as parents start to think that just getting through the day was our goal. And why can’t we turn our brains off and be present???
Why? Because we are TRYING TO DO TOO MUCH. We are trying to take it all on and thinking that nothing will fail, but turns out we are failing on our families…and ourselves…
Since I’ve started to share, I had nothing but conversations and discussions surrounding all the pressure we put on ourselves to do it all and how its impacting our health and the people around us….”I’ve lost myself, Im sick all the time, I’m not the happy person i used to be”…
But of course, we still seem to be stuck…and not really wanting or trying to get out of the RUT we’ve put ourselves in….
We are we waiting for? Do we think we are invisible? Cause it turns out…and i learned the hard way, we are NOT..
So I’m going to give you the kick in the ass that I NEEDED a long time ago….and I want you to listen…especially if you have a family…
Here’s the BIGGEST reason why you should STOP RIGHT NOW and take a GOOD LOOK AT YOURSELF….I missed this opportunity and am now making up for it…don’t let yourself do the same…
Not only did I suffer tremendously….but I have two daughters that suffered because of what I did to myself. One I was able to recuperate within a few months (thank you lord) and the other still suffers today..clenching her jaw, bent up energy, challenged at school, closed off… and now we are working on ways to help her unpack her backpack…which is so much harder than attempting to unpack mine…trust me…
What kind of mother allows that to happen? How was I that mother? I never dreamed I’d be…but here I am…
The truth is…I did’t see what it was doing to my family..especially my kids. I was so focused on myself that I forgot to take a hard look at the people around me. I was caught up in being and doing it all, and even with people telling me, I ignored it.
And now that I know, I won’t let you go down that path either….
So this is my ah ha moment…and i hope its yours too..if you have kids, a partner, etc..and you are trying to do it all and starting to feel (or maybe not yet) its too much…then its time to take a good look at yourself…for this is NOT about you…but what it could do to those precious people around you, especially your children.
what happen to the days of the Cosby show? Full house? FAMILY TV SHOWS…TGIF??? The days where we sat at the supper table…no cell phones and just listened..or we played games…you know, the days when we were actually PRESENT…
Now we are so career focused, technology savvy and “get our kids into every activity that exist” that we’ve forgotten about what really matters. We no longer can send our children out to play with neighbours (at least not here in Ontario where you can’t leave your children alone for more than 2 seconds),we don’t even get to know our neighbours, and the most crazy thought? We think Facebook and texting are adequate ways to communicate…
Turns out…for those of you that don’t know….Facebook (not always, but sometimes) is just a place for you to visit to make you feel even less present in your own life, to judge yourself even more against others….and to feel like you are missing out on the amazing things others are doing while you are sitting home, trying to do it all.
YOu should also note that NOT everything you read or see on Facebook is a reality…trust me when I say, i have seen amazing family photo’s and lovely post of how much people love each other, only to find out two weeks later, it was a show…
I know, I know…Facebook is also a great way to see your friends and family grow up, but lets make something clear, this doesn’t and shouldn’t replace the old school mentality of getting together, laughing and using your village around you to raise your family.
WE have lost our connection to people….our families….our own lives…
We live day to day as routine as possible…almost like a ROBOT….and we think its ok…
The challenge is, that today you won’t see how much its impacting your kids and husband (or wives), but in five years, you will start to wonder why a new behaviour appears or you are getting divorced, or you aren’t happy…
And our 1st instinct? Blame them and everyone else around you…….because you know, its gotta be their fault……
So I hope this is the eye opener you need to take a good look at yourself and ask…am I doing too much for others and not enough for me?
If this isn’t enough to stop you in your tracks, maybe this will help…from someone that actually dedicates her life to pretty much just this….
I am reading this amazing Book for the second time from Brene Brown “The gifts of Imperfection”.
For those of you who don’t know, she is a shame and vulnerability researcher that had quite the eye opening experience herself, when she realized that her research became very personal and actually led her on her own spiritual awakening/breakdown.
Here are a few quotes from just the intro that really make you think….
“As I started analyzing the stories and looking for re-occuring themes, I realized that the patterns generally fell into one of the two columns; for simplicity sake, I first labeled these Do and Don’t. The Do column was brimming with works like worthiness, rest, play, trust, faith, intuition, hope, authenticity, love, belonging, joy, gratitude and creativity. The Don’t column was dripping with words like perfections, numbing, certainty, exhaustion, self sufficiency, being cool, fitting in, judgement, and scarity””
So ask yourself, what column do you fit in? Why?
And the biggest reason, I wrote this? Here is what Brene Brown goes on to say…
….”the most painful lesson of the day hit me so hard, that it took my breath away: it was clear from the data that we cannot give our children what we don’t have. Where we are on our journey of living and loving with our whole hearts is a much stronger indicator of parenting success than anything we can learn from how to books. This journey is equal parts heart work and head work, and as I sat there on that deary November day, it was clear to me that I was lacking in my own heart work”.
So today, I leave you with one last quote…from her 1st chapter…which has stuck with me since the moment I first read this book…
“No matter what gets done and how much is left undone, I AM ENOUGH….
So now, after reading this…does this change anything for you? Does it make you think just a little differently about your situation and trying to do it all….if it doesn’t, whats it going to take for your wake up call??
I’ll see you next time…
The Nancy Perspective 