How I turned inside out…

How I turned inside out…

My mom is brave, confident and and strong, and she taught us to be the same. She spent the first part of our early years instilling us with strong confident values in who we were and made us work hard to be the best that we could be. She always made us feel that we were beautiful inside and out and never wanted us to feel anything less.

When I look back, this was probably the most valuable teaching she could have ever given us – especially at such a young age and at such an extremely vulnerable time….however, somewhere along the way i think I lost sight of this teaching and turned it into something it was never meant to be – Perfectionism.

I meditate daily (for people who know me, they are probably shocked right now). I am working on my self compassion (as we all are) and when I do, I have to invision myself as a young girl and give her some words of wisdom….its funny, I always seem to see the same one…

I believe it was grade 9, she had a chubby face, she wasn’t skinny, and she had crazy frizzy hair that she couldn’t control (there were only IRON”s back then). When I think back to her, i wonder how anyone ever thought I was pretty, but people did (and I am thankful for those). However, its not what I looked like that I remember most, it was how amazing and brave this girl was on the inside. I remember she wouldn’t let anything bother her, she walked the halls with confidence and never let anything stand in her way.

I remember (like it was yesterday) I was called “fat head” from the back of the bus and trust me, it bothered me, but it also ended the moment I got off the bus. My parents didn’t even know because I didn’t seem to let it bother me. I felt like I had it all together and most importantly, I felt like my mom taught me that I could conquer anything.

To top it off, we moved around a lot. That doesn’t usually help the ego, however, I usually found a way to easily adapt to change and had the confidence to go in too any place at any time and own it. Even though I wasn’t the most beautiful girl (of course, at the time ONLY), I was powerful on the inside and knew I was a force to be reckoned with.

I never seemed to care about what others thought. I was very unique and truly brave and wanted to be who I was, without being scared. Sure I went to university with blond white short hair (with pink tips) – it WAS INTERESTING (not sharing that picture)….

And when I came out of university, I was driven to be successful. I conquered things I never imagined I would career wise and felt I was at an all time high…it was AMAZING

I always felt like I was amazing – not cocky – amazing. I felt I was on top of the world and could do anything. Now that I know what i know now, I actually believe I knew who I was. I was aligned both inside and out.

I miss that side of me sometimes. I always say to kids when they are entering university or going off to collage – take time to enjoy yourself…sleep in, miss class, just be….don’t push through just to get to whats next, for you might be missing out on the small moments. I know for me, it was probably the most present I ever was.

Life changes when you grow up..…responsibilities change…I remember I couldn’t wait to be grown up and when it came, it hit me more than I’d ever imagine.

I remember the day it changed. The day I brought my beautiful Lucy into this world…its like all of a sudden my insides turned outside….and I don’t think I realized it until now…

It’s like the hotness and confident I had on the inside, pushed outward. I felt more beauty than I’d ever felt before…I felt like one hot momma…I looked at myself differently, I was proud of who I’d become…but what I didn’t realize is that I was slowly losing myself on the inside and that all the stuff that I’d piled up was starting to fill my backpack without me even knowing…

I stopped believing in who I was…I questioned myself…I stopped trusting myself. I didn’t feel I was worthy of my own trust. I had lost my sense of being…of who I was or who I was supposed to be. The pink had withered away….

Maybe I never really found her? Maybe she was clouded under all the things I thought I was dealing with? I was lost.

Brene Brown says in her book “Daring Greatly” that you can’t actually love, until you love yourself…..and the more I read, meditate and focus on myself, the more I realize, she is so right.

OUr self talk is so powerful. It can take over your life. It can keep you from being the person you want to be or believe that you are.

When I look at myself today (almost a year after taking a break from my job), i realize that no one but my own “self talk” and lack of trust in myself took me out. I stopped believing the words my Mom taught us.

Those days are over. Through all my healing, I’ve come to realize one thing – I am beautiful inside and out…and the more that I believe that innately, the more I see why Brene Brown says you can’t love others until you love yourself. When you truly love yourself for who you are, the world looks brighter. You just feel different. I think you finally feel like you belong. I look at everyone different, I look at things different and most importantly, I look at myself differently..

I am me…and “I AM ENOUGH”..

I am here on this earth to help people and to make people happy….but first and foremost, I am here on this earth to be me…my authentic self….

So world, here I am….

And to celebrate this amazing milestone…I dyed my hair bright pink…and i mean BRIGHT pink….yes, my WHOLE head! Why? Because I am finally myself….and I want to share it with the world…

I wish you all a special Holiday Season. Enjoy every moment, every single moment and ponder this…

“Joy comes to us in moments – ordinary moments. We risk missing out on joy when we get too busy chasing down the extraordinary”


Its not just you anymore…..

Its not just you anymore…..

As I sit here, (currently a stay at home mom) and think about all that I’ve been through and how I’ve been healing…I wonder how we try and/or even attempt to do it all…..

The things like Be Present, give you some “you” time and most of what I’m telling you to do…makes me chuckle…because I don’t work and somedays, I can’t find time to fit it all in….

I remember when I did work, before the break of dawn, I had lunches ready, breakfast fed and kids ready for school. I’d be running out the door like the energizer bunny and all the way to work worried about the things I didn’t do…did I spent quality time with the kids? Did I ask them enough questions about school? Did I snuggle enough? Was I present? And the answer was always NO….

Then I get to work…focus on work and god for bid get a call that one of them is sick…..oh i remember how i felt….having to leave, the looks I’d get, the thoughts I’d have…oh the joys….

I always thought…well I’ll make up the time and be present after work..but that time never came. I’d come home, make supper while kids are screaming and begging for my attention. After supper, I’d be so tired that we’d sit around and either watch some kids show…or just play on IPADs…..something to distract until it was time to go to bed.

….and then bed….oh how wonderful to get to sit on the couch and relax like old times. Only now, that never lasted long because I was usually so tired that I ended up in bed at 8:30 (leaving no time for my husband and I) so I could be rested and ready to start all over again at 5am…..

Since when did parenting become like a job?.. When did we as parents start to think that just getting through the day was our goal. And why can’t we turn our brains off and be present???

Why? Because we are TRYING TO DO TOO MUCH. We are trying to take it all on and thinking that nothing will fail, but turns out we are failing on our families…and ourselves…

Since I’ve started to share, I had nothing but conversations and discussions surrounding all the pressure we put on ourselves to do it all and how its impacting our health and the people around us….”I’ve lost myself, Im sick all the time, I’m not the happy person i used to be”…

But of course, we still seem to be stuck…and not really wanting or trying to get out of the RUT we’ve put ourselves in….

We are we waiting for? Do we think we are invisible? Cause it turns out…and i learned the hard way, we are NOT..

So I’m going to give you the kick in the ass that I NEEDED a long time ago….and I want you to listen…especially if you have a family…

Here’s the BIGGEST reason why you should STOP RIGHT NOW and take a GOOD LOOK AT YOURSELF….I missed this opportunity and am now making up for it…don’t let yourself do the same…

Not only did I suffer tremendously….but I have two daughters that suffered because of what I did to myself. One I was able to recuperate within a few months (thank you lord) and the other still suffers today..clenching her jaw, bent up energy, challenged at school, closed off… and now we are working on ways to help her unpack her backpack…which is so much harder than attempting to unpack mine…trust me…

What kind of mother allows that to happen? How was I that mother? I never dreamed I’d be…but here I am…

The truth is…I did’t see what it was doing to my family..especially my kids. I was so focused on myself that I forgot to take a hard look at the people around me. I was caught up in being and doing it all, and even with people telling me, I ignored it.

And now that I know, I won’t let you go down that path either….

So this is my ah ha moment…and i hope its yours too..if you have kids, a partner, etc..and you are trying to do it all and starting to feel (or maybe not yet) its too much…then its time to take a good look at yourself…for this is NOT about you…but what it could do to those precious people around you, especially your children.

what happen to the days of the Cosby show? Full house? FAMILY TV SHOWS…TGIF??? The days where we sat at the supper table…no cell phones and just listened..or we played games…you know, the days when we were actually PRESENT…

Now we are so career focused, technology savvy and “get our kids into every activity that exist” that we’ve forgotten about what really matters. We no longer can send our children out to play with neighbours (at least not here in Ontario where you can’t leave your children alone for more than 2 seconds),we don’t even get to know our neighbours, and the most crazy thought? We think Facebook and texting are adequate ways to communicate…

Turns out…for those of you that don’t know….Facebook (not always, but sometimes) is just a place for you to visit to make you feel even less present in your own life, to judge yourself even more against others….and to feel like you are missing out on the amazing things others are doing while you are sitting home, trying to do it all.

YOu should also note that NOT everything you read or see on Facebook is a reality…trust me when I say, i have seen amazing family photo’s and lovely post of how much people love each other, only to find out two weeks later, it was a show…

I know, I know…Facebook is also a great way to see your friends and family grow up, but lets make something clear, this doesn’t and shouldn’t replace the old school mentality of getting together, laughing and using your village around you to raise your family.

WE have lost our connection to people….our families….our own lives…

We live day to day as routine as possible…almost like a ROBOT….and we think its ok…

The challenge is, that today you won’t see how much its impacting your kids and husband (or wives), but in five years, you will start to wonder why a new behaviour appears or you are getting divorced, or you aren’t happy…

And our 1st instinct? Blame them and everyone else around you…….because you know, its gotta be their fault……

So I hope this is the eye opener you need to take a good look at yourself and ask…am I doing too much for others and not enough for me?

If this isn’t enough to stop you in your tracks, maybe this will help…from someone that actually dedicates her life to pretty much just this….

I am reading this amazing Book for the second time from Brene Brown “The gifts of Imperfection”.

For those of you who don’t know, she is a shame and vulnerability researcher that had quite the eye opening experience herself, when she realized that her research became very personal and actually led her on her own spiritual awakening/breakdown.

Here are a few quotes from just the intro that really make you think….

“As I started analyzing the stories and looking for re-occuring themes, I realized that the patterns generally fell into one of the two columns; for simplicity sake, I first labeled these Do and Don’t. The Do column was brimming with works like worthiness, rest, play, trust, faith, intuition, hope, authenticity, love, belonging, joy, gratitude and creativity. The Don’t column was dripping with words like perfections, numbing, certainty, exhaustion, self sufficiency, being cool, fitting in, judgement, and scarity””

So ask yourself, what column do you fit in? Why?

And the biggest reason, I wrote this? Here is what Brene Brown goes on to say…

….”the most painful lesson of the day hit me so hard, that it took my breath away: it was clear from the data that we cannot give our children what we don’t have. Where we are on our journey of living and loving with our whole hearts is a much stronger indicator of parenting success than anything we can learn from how to books. This journey is equal parts heart work and head work, and as I sat there on that deary November day, it was clear to me that I was lacking in my own heart work”.

So today, I leave you with one last quote…from her 1st chapter…which has stuck with me since the moment I first read this book…

“No matter what gets done and how much is left undone, I AM ENOUGH….

So now, after reading this…does this change anything for you? Does it make you think just a little differently about your situation and trying to do it all….if it doesn’t, whats it going to take for your wake up call??

I’ll see you next time…

My healing place..

When I think of this place, I immediately close my eyes and smile at the thought of being there…..the smell, the feel, the people, everything about it makes me warm and fuzzy. I usually go into this space with thoughts and worry, but come out feeling like I’ve been on a trip and enjoyed every minute of it, down to the last second…

I can be present here. I can stop. I can quiet. I can breathe. I can just be me. It’s my healing place. It’s the place that I can’t live without. I go there daily to feel this peace and my addiction is not because I want to go…but because I LOVE to go.

Somedays I need it more than others…but most days I am not truly myself until I’ve entered. And for those of you who know me – you might be thinking….she is overdoing it yet again….but what you don’t know is that my healing room is perfect for someone like me! Each day we feel different and this room allows us to cater to those differences..for in this room, you are taught one important lesson that you must follow to truly heal….do only what your breath and body allow you too…NO More!

This room has taught me to judge less. It has taught me that the minute I judge others, I can no longer be at my best and truly focus on why I came here in the first place – to heal. This room has also taught me to have more self compassion for myself. What I’ve seen is that the more I focus on myself and my true being in this room, the more I am able to be present and experience its true impact. I go to this room to be more in tune with me and come out feeling like a whole new person every time…

I’ve learned so much from this place. I can’t even begin to tell you….The words, the wisdom, the gratitude and the peace all make you feel so blessed to be apart of it and so willing to want more…You walk out of this place feeling like you want to share with all…what its done for you…but you have no idea how to put it into words.

I’ve spent many hours in the room….I’ve cried in this room, I chuckled in this room…and most importantly, I am truly myself in this room. I can be brave, I can try new things…and I can feel like no one is watching….its a room where you ego is left at the door…for if it isn’t, your visit will not heal…

I’ve met many people who also love this healing room…..they are now my friends, for they’ve seen me at my best…and at my worst…and still keep me close as if I am perfect to them….Thank you!

At first I was afraid of them – they’ve been here longer than me, they are so good, they are experts…..but the more I got to know them, the more I realized they come for the same reasons….and they are no different than me…And in this healing process, you need them more than ever, for its their breath and their energy that guide you and truly empower you.

Don’t be scared of this room, it can be intimidating…and very overwhelming…it can take you by surprise and it might even take your breath away….but be brave…and walk in….put your mat down and enjoy the ride….

Don’t think this healing room is a joke either….for this journey is NOT easy….you will work like you’ve never worked before…you will sweat like you’ve never sweat before…you will breath like you’ve never done before… but I guarantee, you will feel like you’ve never felt before….

This place…I promise, will also heal you..if you let it….all you have to do is just show up..

So give yourself permission….its not for everyone…but I’m almost certain, you will find something in it that you love too…

And trust me, I was once a crazy Crossfit, running, HIIT training…..women….but now my healing room is ALL I NEED….

I am not only physically stronger than I’ve ever been but also Healing in a way that I never thought possible…all because of a beautiful room and a beautiful practice they call Yoga….

FInd a studio…try a class….take a friend..don’t be brave….

And don’t say its not for you….it wasn’t for me either…however now, i couldn’t imagine my life without it.

Let me know how it goes….

See you next time…

This post is dedicated to an amazing women, Judy Wood. She was my 1st Yoga teacher and her presence in a room, especially the healing room is why I am, who I am today…thank you for calling it what it is…a healing room and a healing practice…You have found your calling and I feel so blessed to be apart of it…

How small changes and some help…..can go a long way….

How small changes and some help…..can go a long way….

Before you dive in..I want you to ponder this amazing research that has been going on behind our backs on our brains…. (may be a little heavy for a Friday, we shall see)….

We have the ability to rewire our brains….neuroplasticity is a word that keeps popping up in everything was a key piece of the healing process that was offered to me at the Mayo clinic….and has been recently reintroduced to me by my amazing coach….to help my healing process…

This word originally popped up when I was seeking guidance with Lucy…..hoping to regain and rewire some of the time lost in our 1st year together. Now I’ve gotten to experience this process first hand and have seen the benefits for myself.

We used to think (and some of us still do) we are who we are…..and nothing can change that…but more and more studies have shown that we can actually rewire our brains to be different and think differently….

Here is a personal example….I have a martyr that joined me about 6 years ago… that lives with me…inside….she doesn’t have a name but she controls my every move (or she used to). She poisons my brain with negative thoughts and makes me feel like the “poor old me” I am….ha ha ha….

I’ve been working on getting rid of her….to me, she is the biggest pain in my butt and a pivotal piece to my healing process….So…together, with my coach…we are using these amazing techniques to rewire my brain so my martyr goes away and stay away forever..

These techniques are easy to find online but are truly even more impactful when done with a coach to guide you… reach out if you want more…

k, so why am I telling you this…..well…

In the past two weeks I’ve had more people reach out to me that I’d ever imagined – thank you! What I’m seeing is that it’s not just women suffering, but men too, and we are all just trying to survive.

And just because I got sick from my stress and you haven’t, doesn’t mean you should stop reading…The only different between you and me  is that I let myself go too far in the deep end and filled my backpack way too full and maybe you haven’t…yet.

What I also have been seeing is the people who have reached out are the ones, like myself, who are driven to succeed. The ones who are trying to do it all and thinking they are fooling everyone. What I love about these types of people is their passion- their passion to jump on board and dive into anything just to see the results. The only crazy thing is that more often than not, these amazing people aren’t as willing to jump in and put the same effort into themselves. Either they don’t believe they deserve their passion or they figure they don’t have enough time to fulfill their needs. Everything seems to trump …when it comes to taking care of ourselves… I call it the “self factor”.

And…Whoever made up the phrase “work life balance” hasn’t been introduced to a person in our generation. Maybe we’ve conquered the life balance from a family perspective (maybe some have, I know I didn’t), but we definitely haven’t conquered the work, life to include, you, balance. We don’t know how to do it all and if something has to give, its always us.

However as I’ve mentioned before, the more downhill you go, the more likely everyone is to follow.

So challenge yourself to rewire your brain, to rethink your self talk and to put more effort into yourself.


To help put some of that passion back into you…..I’ve got some suggestions that have worked amazingly well for me..these are the small ones – the easier ones ..So pick just ONE and try it….

Take a look at this article on rewiring your brain (below)……there is TONS of stuff out there and techniques available for free (one is included in this article)….take 5 minutes out of your CRAZY busy day and put them into you.

Changing the way you think…An opportunity to rewire your brain…

Give yourself permission to hire a personal coach…everyone needs one…especially if you are trying to do it all….what I’ve learned along the way is that the people who need it the most are usually the most hesitant. In the end though, once they let go, usually, they are also the ones who benefit the most. My coach has taught me the reasons why I’m the most important….and has shown me ways to overcome some of my biggest challenge that I didn’t even know existed….

And last but not least, right now…I want you to try this self reflection exercise...

its very powerful and will allow you to start the process of thinking differently, towards yourself…the person who needs it the most….TODAY….

Your best friend calls you with something that has happened to them and wants your advice….they are frantic or upset with a mistake they made today and reached out to you, because you are the person who always helps them through…….

What do you do when they call?

How do you handle yourself?

How you do handle them?

What do you say to them to help ease their thoughts and feelings?

How do you both feel when you get off the phone?

Now….think about what you do to yourself when something arises for you (made a mistake at work or had a bad day)….

How do you handle yourself? What do you say to yourself? HOw do you feel after all is said and done?

I bet the way you handled yourself is very different than the way you handled your friend….I know mine was….

So today, treat yourself as a friend..give yourself a hug….

you are worthy of it….

and see how a little self compassion can truly go a long way….

See you next time…


The trip that opened my eyes to what your backpack can do.

We were sick of all of it…sick of being pushed around and not getting answers and sick of being sick….

I’d been sick for sometime and my every attempt to get a diagnosis led me to NOTHING. We just couldn’t believe stress could do this much and were really worried, it had to be something more.

In Dec of last year, I was so sick that I could barely move off the couch. And to top it off…Dec 23rd I received bloodwork that apparently showed markers for Leukemia. I was scared. Was I dying? What was going on and why did I feel this way….

So off to the Mayo clinic we went….my family wanted answers…and answers we got.

That week was the most eye opening experience that I’ve ever had.

I took my story (pages long) and everything i’d been through…and shared…an Internal Medicine specialist LISTENED for almost 2 hours…..I was so excited to finally get answers….

Lucy’s birth story, two babies later, multiple moves, new jobs and promotions, a death in our family (our amazing father in law) and all my sick history…..

And after I finished, he just looked at me….and in that moment all he saw was this little girl inside an old women’s body. He’d knew I suffered long enough…and he gave me my diagnosis….

Hashimoto (thyroid disorder – which I knew), Fibromyalgia and Chronic fatigue…..all due to STRESS and the fact that I’d overworked my nervous system and it was living in CHOAS. Not only had my family been suffering….but their Momma had packed her backpack so full that it was no longer working properly….

In that moment, knowing that I wasn’t dying and knowing what I’d had…

I had so much relief….I was alive…..and was going to be for a long time…as long as I started to look after myself…and that had to start today…..

The TOP things he wanted me to do? MINDFULNESS..YOGA..and a SELFISH strong focus on ME. The other big one….take MORE time off work…..

Another sick leave? Me…on another sick leave….its funny though… as this time, when he told me….I almost felt relief….I remember feeling an immediate 100 pounds had lifted….I finally knew it was time to take myself back from WORK and give ME, back….to me.

And Yoga? Me? Ya right….I had tried it before and really disliked it (Actually Hated it – but my mother would say HATE is a strong word)…..but I had NO CHOICE.

He told me if I put the effort into ME, everything else will follow. His quote is forever intrenched in my brain…there is no you, without you!

So I went home….with a smile…a smile as big as the ones I used to feel when I was a little girl….that PINK smile I’d been missing…and I was excited to start my new journey…

And most of all, I WAS SO READY…..

Why is it that we wait to hit rock bottom before we do anything about it?

Would we allow this to happen to our children or even our best friend? Why, ourselves?

Why do we not put the effort into ourselves?

Why do we feel we aren’t as important anymore?

Why do we feel our bodies…these amazing works of art…will just carry us through…without any issues…..?

I see it daily…more and more Moms put all their efforts into their families and leave little time for themselves…..

Why? Why? Why?

When I look back…I realized that as I became selfish with work…I stopped doing the things I loved:

listening to music, exercising, being social, laughing…just being a KID….

Why do we let ourselves slide? We are still those women we were before our husbands and our kids. We still have needs and wants that need to be fulfilled.

I remember attempting to fill them in other ways…shopping was a big one…but in the end, the instant gratification only lasted so long and I was on to the next thing…seeking more….

And here I was…about to take on the next step of my life….without really knowing what was next…all i knew is that it was time to look after me….

SO I quit my job….yes, you heard that right…quit my job….the thing that meant the most to me (or so I thought)… identity….I left it behind and attempted to find a new one…identity that is….

And here I am….6 months later and a whole new women…one that has found herself..and her true identity.. and one that finally feels at peace in the world…

It wasn’t easy and its been exhausting at times…but well worth the effort.

I see many women, like myself suffering….wondering how to get out of the spiral they’ve put themselves in…however, what I don’t hear often, is the success of actually coming out on the other side…..So I am here to show you what I did…and what i’ve found to be successful and life changing.

I am not saying to quit your job.. for me, I was that LOW that i had no choice, but you have a choice NOW. You can choose to be different for yourself and the people around you.

Small changes can make big impacts on your lives…so stay tuned and listen…

And add…and share…we are in this journey together…

See you next time.


People without kids….just…don’t know :)…And in the end…I’m glad I didn’t until now :)

People without kids….just…don’t know :)…And in the end…I’m glad I didn’t until now :)

Enjoy this video…it made me laugh SO HARD.


This picture is of Rob and I on our honeymoon…When I was truly a PINK girl…I feel like I’m finally getting back to her….or maybe just realizing who she is….

Enjoy 🙂

How Did I miss this?

How Did I miss this?

People say that when you have children, your lives change forever. We were blessed with two beautiful girls – Lucy and Kate, born two years apart in 2009 and 2011. They were our pride and joy! They also brought about a whole new side of their Momma that she didn’t know existed…..

I had a terrible delivery with Lucy – one where the hospital screwed up my bloodwork and told me there was a possibility I would die upon her birth. Apparently, this was all a mistake but you can only imagine what other baggage I took home that day, other than my beautiful Lucy. This moment, in my mind, was the pivotal moment and the reason that I spent the last six years sick and feeling the way I did. It was also the reason that poor Lucy suffers the anxiety and worry she does today. Her beautiful Momma – who was pink and happy – had turned into a sick and sad attempt at being a Mommy. And like I said in my last post – Lucy knew it, but Mommy ignored it.

Kate, on the other, was brought into a different world. I’d spent time with a psychologist and worked through some of my challenges and by the time she arrived, brought so much joy and happiness. I had become calmer and more of the mom i’d wanted to be, rather than had to be. They say that things happen for a reason and I believe that Kate was brought into the world to make our family whole again.

After almost three years of being a stay at home mom and doing my best to enjoy the moments, I did what most do – went back to work. Here is where my backpack took over.

Life went from crazy to chaos pretty quick and everyone else could see it, but me. I attempted to go back as the person I was before – putting all my effort into work to prove I was the same women. I started seeing my family failing at home and instead of putting my focus back on them – I put more of it into work. As someone who lived for acceptance, a sense of purpose and success- I knew I was great at my job so I put my effort in the place I knew I’d be successful.

I could see myself slowly turning that dark grey on the inside – fatigue started to set in, I was starting to look grey, I was getting sick ALL the time and the biggest eye opener? I was blaming my KIDS for their issues and somedays didn’t even want to go home to deal with it. I’d walk into my house with my fake pink energy and immediately, because my kids saw through it, they broke out in tears and fears. They say that kids strive for a secure attachment and what I was bringing home everyday was anxiety, stress and anger.

I had become very selfish….selfish in a way that wasn’t even fair to myself…if that make sense – I’d put all my effort into work….not anything else (especially not me as a person or my family).

To make matters worse and to add to the tremendous chaos that was happening in our family – I decided to take a promotion and move our family back to Toronto. It was a great move for us because we were closer to family, however, in the end, it took our family (and me) completely over the edge.

I was so excited about the promotion. I couldn’t wait to show off my skills. I couldn’t wait to be in head office and most of all, I had moved up in the career world and felt like my OLD self again. I continued to put all my effort into work and left everyone at home to fend for themselves. Two little girls and a husband that all HATED change were left to deal…. all by themselves. I laugh at this now…we even seeked the help of a psychologist to deal with the behaviour changes that were happening at home……how silly was that???? How did I miss it all? How does a MOM do that?

Little did I know that my attempt to deal with it all, had slowly taken a toll on my body. All the energy I had put into being the fake pink person, was slowly killing me.

Within six months of the promotion, I was quite sick. My thyroid was functioning at a level that I should have been hospitalized for, however, I was still fully functioning. And when I say fully functioning, I mean blowing my job out of the water, coming home and dealing with everything at home and going to cross-fit nightly to deal with my anxiety and stress. My family was seeing me go downhill, but no one at work knew anything was wrong. I had become a master faker.

I was dying on the inside but didn’t want to give up. My goal in life was to be the next CEO and I was well on my way. I was obviously not doing as well as I thought…eventually it started to get noticed…and by a special CEO – who I will never forget. I remember the morning he stopped in my office and look at me very sincerely….you don’t look well, Nancy, whats going on. I told him of my challenges with my health and work/family and he told me in a very nice way to get my priorities straight. I remember his face as he left – almost sad for me – and I knew it was time to take a break. So here it was….my first Sick leave. My first big kick in the ass! Me? On sick leave? What? Everyone always told me you never come back from a sick leave…oh? then you DONT KNOW ME…SO within three months – still not feeling the greatest, I went back. Not because I was better but because I STILL HAD TO PROVE myself….

What? Really Nancy? Have you not woken up yet and realized how screwed up your priorities are? Do you not see that this is NOT all about you being successful? It was clear that the universe and friends around me were trying to tell me something, but I guess I wasn’t ready to hear it… yet.

So i continued onward and upward….and continued to get sick. Upon my return from sick leave, i tried even harder to be the best….and do it all…and actually clenched my jaw so bad because of the stress that I flattened my eardrum – yes, you heard that right, flattened my ear drum.

My backpack was full, my priorities were skewed and I had become someone who I never imagine i’d be. I was mad at the world and everyone around me. Anyone who tried to give me any hints about what I’d become, I shut them down and blame them for their issues….it wasn’t my fault….

Through all of this, my body started to die on the inside. I felt like an 80 year old and I didn’t know how to get out. I was sick, scared and lost…..and didn’t know what to do next.

My trip to the mayo clinic opened my eyes….”one year from now and you probably wouldn’t have walked in here”…..excuse me? what? You can imagine the wake up call!

I know I’m not alone. Its such a hard shift in priorities when children come into our lives. Most people settle in well, but there are some, like myself, that take time and effort.

How do we manage it all? why do we try?

As you read my story, I don’t want you to feel sad or take pity on me..there are many people who struggle even worse that I did…so trust me when I say – I will take what I get…..I just want you to take something away from it.

I want you to think of your day to day activities! Are you doing too much? Are you really as balanced as you could be?

Are you maybe trying to be someone your not? Or use to be?

Are you priorities in the right place? Is there anything you can do to put more effort into your family? Do you want too? And if not, why?

Don’t be afraid to share….you aren’t alone.

Now, take two minutes and listen to this song….

Don’t miss anything else. I won’t now!

I’ll see you next time.

The Color Pink!

The Color Pink!

I always imagined myself the color pink. The brightness and happiness it brings to a room and the almost childlike feeling it brings to most when they see it. I have spent my life believing as if I’ve lived in the meaning of the color pink and it’s been whats truly made me authentic and the person I am today. As Newfoundlanders, we already have that genuine, welcoming feeling when we enter a room, but I’ve always felt mine was even more powerful than that (obviously quite confident in myself). And I think at one moment in my life, it was that way, but somewhere in between having kids, moving, changing jobs and not feeling well, I lost that pink feeling on the inside and it slowly changed to a dark, gloomy grey without me evening knowing it.

And what’s truly sad is that for a long time- maybe even since I’ve had kids, I lived as what I now call a “pink fake”. I became so amazingly awesome at faking my old personality that I actually convinced myself and others that I still existed. I remember seeing little pieces of the “old Nancy” every now and then, but the little child within me that used to be fun, was no longer there. I didn’t want anyone to know how sick, stressed and tired I was, so I just decided to push through it all, hoping this too shall pass.

My wake call came at a very unusual time. I didn’t see it coming and definitely didn’t believe it to be true. At that moment in my life, I felt things were fabulous. I had just came back from sick leave (more to come on this later in my blog) and my attempt to prove myself in my career and family was at an all time high. I was living what I believed to be the super women dream and people were actually asking me how I did it all and stayed so happy and content! HA HA HA!

Then SPLAT…right in my face, my WAKE UP CALL. It was last August and I was about to host an amazing workshop that I’d put together (I used to be a Trainer for Sales Reps). I was excited, however, wasn’t feeling my best. But of course, I stuck my “I will blow this out of the water” hat on and in my eyes, rocked it. I walked out of there with enough confidence that there was no one that could take me down. That day I had an observer with me and her feedback was nothing but a kick in the face -“interesting presentation, but I’ve got to be honest, I’m having a hard time reading your energy.” Uh what? My energy? I remember saying uh huh…and interesting… which is what my mom taught me to say when I have nothing nice to say.

Here is what I wanted to say…..are you freaking kidding me? You cant read my energy? You are the first person to ever say that. My energy is happy and pink. I don’t know what your problem is, but my energy is quite clear.

So I attempted to deal with her comment all the way home by calling everyone I knew for reassurance, justifying myself and finally adding it to the pile in my backpack.

Those types of blows never really just go away. And of course, I had to spend more time with this lovely lady for career development purposes – wohoo! The more sessions I ended up having with her, the more I realized that she was right and now I am thankful for her daily.

When I look back now, I see that my backpack was so full that I’m not even sure how I functioned daily. My family was failing at home, I had become this cocky career women thinking she had it all together and most importantly, my health was at its all time low.

It was time to do something about it. So I decided find a coach and spend some time digging deeper. At the same time, my Mom decided she’d had enough with the Canadian health system and took me to the Mayo clinic in the US for a complete assessment and diagnoses as I kept getting “nothing was wrong” but many days I couldn’t get off the couch.

It was time to dig into the grey that I’d become and stop ignoring the fact that I was no longer pink anymore. Why were my kids crying the minute I walked in the door? Why was I feeling that I had to be the best over everyone else? Why did I need to have control of everything? Why was I always feeling so tired and sick? Why why why? Pretty soon it all made sense and when you read my next post, you will understand too.

Society has made us feel we need to do everything and do it well. No one talks about the struggles we face daily and I no longer want you to feel like you are alone. The more I talk about it with others, the more I see the crisis we are in and have to work together to find a way out.

So as you read this today….ponder these questions as you begin to unpack….

What color are you on the outside? Does it match the inside?

How do you think your backpack impacts your energy?

Have you had a wake up call lately that might have ignored?

Are you blaming everyone for everything?

Are you listening to what your inner voice is saying? Do you even know you have an inner voice?

Be aware of your energy over the next few days…watch how people respond to the changes in your mood and energy… especially your kids.

FACT: Would you be surprised to know that kids sense everything? My kids cried daily because they could sense my fatigue and stress. We saw multiple psychologists for our kids only to find out, it HAD NOTHING to do with them. As my energy shifted over the last few months, so has my entire family. So stop looking at others this week and take a good look at yourself…. you might shock yourself at what you see….or you might be totally content and if so, I hope you share what you’ve done so we can all help each other together.

One more thing… last night I met someone for the 1st time . Do you know what they said to me? You have such a calm energy. WOW? I guess my unpacking is working.

I am finally PINK again.

See you next time.

I carry a backpack??

I carry a backpack??

A wonderful women once asked me “Whats in your backpack?” I remember my first thought….huh? What does that mean? Do i look like I’m carrying baggage?

So what is it? Why is it important? Her definition was pretty clear – All the things we carry around, knowing or unknowingly in our bodies….all the thoughts, feelings, to do list, emotions, pains, fears, you name it.

I remember saying “I have no clue”. I remember closing my eyes and attempting to figure it out, but because I had carried it for so long and pretty much dragged it all through each and every day, I had forgotten to stop and take a closer look.

My immediate thought – “well everyone has one and I’m sure they are all as full as mine. There are many things that I HAVE to do, not necessarily WANT to do, but because I am a mom, career women, and super amazing, I can, will and definitely try to do it all.”

I remember the next moment when she look at me and said “well that can only last for so long. Eventually your backpack will be so full…you won’t even know where to start to attempt to unpack it”…I think she knew in her heart and soul that I was already there. Full! Unaware and oblivious to what I had packed away for so long.

As we discussed further,  I started thinking about all the little things that popped into my brain….brushing my kids teeth and how much i disliked it, making lunches, saying yes to all the things i really didn’t want to do, attempting to be perfect at everything..and blah blah blah…..the list  went on and on and on. I remember thinking that I hadn’t even scratched the surface of what was deep in my backback and already it was making me boil over.

I left that conversation feeling puzzled – what was really in there?

How would I even start to unpack? What would that even look like? How much was actually in there? Would I even be ok with getting rid of it?

Then it hit me…HARD! Thoughts starting pouring in….this might be why I can’t focus on today and being present. this might be why I struggle so much with my past… my backpacks so full that I have no space left for anything else. And i knew it was time…

This backpack metaphor reminds me so much of the movie “Inside out”. How we feel on the inside truly impacts how we are perceived on the outside. The memories we carry, the thoughts we have, all make us who we are and sometimes, like my story, blind, to whom we’ve become. I know we know this, but  I’ve truly lived it and over the next  little while, I will show you how and what i’ve learned along the way.

I want you, yes you, to see all that was inside my backpack and how I – a type A, go-getter, super women MOM and CAREER women had no choice but to take a step back and unpack. It wasn’t easy and what I will share is scary to tell the world, but I finally feel that I’m in a place to share it so that others can unpack long before they have no choice.

As I leave you today, maybe take some time to ponder… whats in your backpack?

Write it down! I was never a writer, until NOW.