My mom is brave, confident and and strong, and she taught us to be the same. She spent the first part of our early years instilling us with strong confident values in who we were and made us work hard to be the best that we could be. She always made us feel that we were beautiful inside and out and never wanted us to feel anything less.
When I look back, this was probably the most valuable teaching she could have ever given us – especially at such a young age and at such an extremely vulnerable time….however, somewhere along the way i think I lost sight of this teaching and turned it into something it was never meant to be – Perfectionism.
I meditate daily (for people who know me, they are probably shocked right now). I am working on my self compassion (as we all are) and when I do, I have to invision myself as a young girl and give her some words of wisdom….its funny, I always seem to see the same one…
I believe it was grade 9, she had a chubby face, she wasn’t skinny, and she had crazy frizzy hair that she couldn’t control (there were only IRON”s back then). When I think back to her, i wonder how anyone ever thought I was pretty, but people did (and I am thankful for those). However, its not what I looked like that I remember most, it was how amazing and brave this girl was on the inside. I remember she wouldn’t let anything bother her, she walked the halls with confidence and never let anything stand in her way.
I remember (like it was yesterday) I was called “fat head” from the back of the bus and trust me, it bothered me, but it also ended the moment I got off the bus. My parents didn’t even know because I didn’t seem to let it bother me. I felt like I had it all together and most importantly, I felt like my mom taught me that I could conquer anything.
To top it off, we moved around a lot. That doesn’t usually help the ego, however, I usually found a way to easily adapt to change and had the confidence to go in too any place at any time and own it. Even though I wasn’t the most beautiful girl (of course, at the time ONLY), I was powerful on the inside and knew I was a force to be reckoned with.
I never seemed to care about what others thought. I was very unique and truly brave and wanted to be who I was, without being scared. Sure I went to university with blond white short hair (with pink tips) – it WAS INTERESTING (not sharing that picture)….
And when I came out of university, I was driven to be successful. I conquered things I never imagined I would career wise and felt I was at an all time high…it was AMAZING
I always felt like I was amazing – not cocky – amazing. I felt I was on top of the world and could do anything. Now that I know what i know now, I actually believe I knew who I was. I was aligned both inside and out.
I miss that side of me sometimes. I always say to kids when they are entering university or going off to collage – take time to enjoy yourself…sleep in, miss class, just be….don’t push through just to get to whats next, for you might be missing out on the small moments. I know for me, it was probably the most present I ever was.
Life changes when you grow up..…responsibilities change…I remember I couldn’t wait to be grown up and when it came, it hit me more than I’d ever imagine.
I remember the day it changed. The day I brought my beautiful Lucy into this world…its like all of a sudden my insides turned outside….and I don’t think I realized it until now…
It’s like the hotness and confident I had on the inside, pushed outward. I felt more beauty than I’d ever felt before…I felt like one hot momma…I looked at myself differently, I was proud of who I’d become…but what I didn’t realize is that I was slowly losing myself on the inside and that all the stuff that I’d piled up was starting to fill my backpack without me even knowing…
I stopped believing in who I was…I questioned myself…I stopped trusting myself. I didn’t feel I was worthy of my own trust. I had lost my sense of being…of who I was or who I was supposed to be. The pink had withered away….
Maybe I never really found her? Maybe she was clouded under all the things I thought I was dealing with? I was lost.
Brene Brown says in her book “Daring Greatly” that you can’t actually love, until you love yourself…..and the more I read, meditate and focus on myself, the more I realize, she is so right.
OUr self talk is so powerful. It can take over your life. It can keep you from being the person you want to be or believe that you are.
When I look at myself today (almost a year after taking a break from my job), i realize that no one but my own “self talk” and lack of trust in myself took me out. I stopped believing the words my Mom taught us.
Those days are over. Through all my healing, I’ve come to realize one thing – I am beautiful inside and out…and the more that I believe that innately, the more I see why Brene Brown says you can’t love others until you love yourself. When you truly love yourself for who you are, the world looks brighter. You just feel different. I think you finally feel like you belong. I look at everyone different, I look at things different and most importantly, I look at myself differently..
I am me…and “I AM ENOUGH”..
I am here on this earth to help people and to make people happy….but first and foremost, I am here on this earth to be me…my authentic self….
So world, here I am….
And to celebrate this amazing milestone…I dyed my hair bright pink…and i mean BRIGHT pink….yes, my WHOLE head! Why? Because I am finally myself….and I want to share it with the world…
I wish you all a special Holiday Season. Enjoy every moment, every single moment and ponder this…
“Joy comes to us in moments – ordinary moments. We risk missing out on joy when we get too busy chasing down the extraordinary”