In 2015, I ended up at the MAYO clinic in the US. I now know, looking back, that this was the moment in time that shifted my entire soul forward.
Up until 2015 – I was living my life like society asked us too. I wanted to fit in. I want to show the world I could do it too. I met an incredible man in 2005, moved in together in 2006, got married in 2008 and had our children 2009/2011. In 2012 I started back to work and my goal was “to the top”. I was ready to show the world the superhuman that was Nancy F***ING Seibel.
I laugh as I write this, as despite the fact that I was trying so hard to fit in and do everything, the universe had so many different plans for me….
In 2009 upon the delivery of my first beautiful girl – I was blessed with a “fu** up” in the delivery room that shifted it all. They made a mistake in my bloodwork and caused all of us (doctor and nurses included) to believe that there was a chance I wasn’t going to make it out the delivery room. They coded me, I felt the emotions that day (as I am a SUPERPOWER feeler) of death and more importantly – it was all a mistake. As a result, my beautiful Lucy was born into this world and I felt NOTHING. PTSD hit hard after that, and instead of pausing to tune in- I kept moving forward. A diagnosis of Hashimoto’s (thyroid) soon followed and yet – I chose to keep showing up -as I knew, I had to be a MOM.
I was a “fake it til I make it” type of girl. I was taught early in life that if you show up confidently and keep learning, you can do and be anything. The greatest wake up call came when I realized I could not do this with my kids and more importantly – myself and my health.
I am amazed, looking back, at how invincible we as HUMANS really are and yet, it can only go so far…
By the time 2015 had hit – I had conquered and built an amazing life that looked incredible on facebook and looked at though I had achieved all the goals society asked me too…
On the inside – I had nothing left. I was numb. I wasn’t feeling and more importantly, I wasn’t listening. My body was picking up all the sickness and underneath the authentic positivity of Nancy – I was losing my power within.
The wake up calls came as my children started to yell and cry daily and more importantly – my body started to wither away and yell louder and louder.
By the time I ended up at the MAYO clinic – I was sick and yet still fully functioning. My thyroid had been so high and my body so off that I should have been hospitalized and yet I was still SHOWING up – at work, at CrossFit and at HOME.
I became labelled “crazy”. I became a hypercondriac and yet, I knew deep down I wasn’t well.
I am blessed for my Mom. She saw what I was attempting to carry and knew that if she didn’t get me help, I wouldn’t make it in this world.
After five years of showing up at the doctor’s office weekly, having multiple tests that showed nothing wrong and being given pill after pill for symptoms that manifested even more symptoms, we had had enough of the medical system and went to the US for help.
That week at the MAYO clinic is why I am still here and begging you to listen.
That week I wasn’t given a diagnosis of death. I was given a diagnosis of opportunity- FIBROF***INGMYAGIA…..and CHRONIC FATIGUE…and a huge opportunity to shift it all.
I was given a choice that day and words that resonated in my soul that I’ve carried with me since. “THERE IS NO YOU, WITHOUT YOU.
You are welcome to go HOME and continue on this path you are on, however I am NOT sure you will come back here next year
you can go home, PAUSE it all, UNRAVEL it all and REWIRE it all.
You have kids at home that need you to be here. You have this job that you’ve chosen to put all your priority into and more importantly you are attempting to “keep up with the joneses” and it’s killing you….
You must STOP and the only person who’s going to make you do that – is you.
This choice all comes back to YOU.
I wasn’t prescribed more meds that day however what I was prescribed, shifted it all – REST. MINDFULNESS and a FULL STOP.
I remember being told to go home, put on my housecoat and watch a full series of a show on the couch. This was something I had NO Idea how to do…
I was a triple type A personality with a drive and determination that allowed me to push through anything and now I was being asked to stop….FULL F***ING STOP.
WTF. I am invincible? I can fight and push through anything….
I don’t have PTSD
I don’t have anxiety
I don’t have work to do ON myself…..
This is everyone else’s fault…
I am amazing the way I am….
I am a fighter and can conquer anything….
I am FINE….
I don’t numb….
I chose that day to go home and make a decision that shifted my whole life. To take all the effort I so easily gave away to others and learn how to put it back on myself. To learn how to embrace the things I was so afraid of and to learn how to use the powerful tools of mindfulness and rewiring that I’d be taught to shift it all….
The most important lesson that day – to stop fighting myself and to learn how to start loving myself…..
Today, I am seven years out and my perspective has completely shifted…
I no longer have the career path of becoming CEO….except of my own life…
I am an amazing Mother with two beautiful strong girls that mirror who I’ve become – from the inside out
I am a superpower feeler AGAIN in my ability to feel and flow through emotions using them as my guide…
I am now a Divorced woman with an ex-husband who is my friend and our #1 mission is our children
I am a HUMAN that embraces all aspects of my mind, body and soul
I am a cannabis user (now on occasion) and now take ONLY one PILL a day to manage my health (was on 100mg of an antidepressant)
I am a CrossFit junky
I have FIBRO and CFS however they do not define me – they guide me….
Most importantly of all – I am a HUGE believer in myself and the LOVE I have for myself, overpowers everything else.
Brene Brown wrote a quote in one of her books that when I read, I almost vomited and yet, it’s been my guiding force forward. “You cannot truly love others, until you love yourself.”
I remember calling bullshit on this quote and yet, knowing what I do now and feeling what I feel now – I know she is right.
My ask after reading my story isn’t for empathy or compassion. If you resonate with any of it, I need you to PAUSE and ask yourself right now to do something differently as a result.
Find a way to start small and start choosing you…
Find a way to embrace the sides of yourself you aren’t listening to….and trust that you are worthy of it.
THERE IS NO YOU, WITHOUT YOU….and the only choice you have is RIGHT now.
You are welcome to wait for your wake up call on your health, however know that if you aren’t listening, what may come, may scare you so much that you are no longer capable to shift…..
I beg you to tune in.
I beg you to make NOW the time you do….
You are so fucking worthy of it.
Bye for now.